It’s been said that we remember what we remember because it’s important to us in the present moment. As I reflect on Mother’s Day, three memories from childhood present themselves, each with a critical life lesson for today:

1. Racism is a sin. I am around 10 years old, looking out the front window of our home on a quiet street in Bronx, New York. I notice a boy, five or so years older than me, looking a little too suspiciously at my bicycle, which is lying on the sidewalk. He is of a different ethnic background, and I yell to my mom that someone is trying to steal my bike. I use a racial epithet to describe that someone. Enter Mom, who takes me aside and explains, gently but firmly, that it is wrong to use those words. In fact, she tells me, it is just as wrong to use those words as it is to steal a bike. I don’t know if that was the first time I used a racial epithet. I do know it was the last.

2. It’s OK to be an introspective introvert; Carl Jung said so. I’m thinking Mom’s careful explanation of the difference between introversion and extraversion took place when I was 13, as that was the year Jung died. I imagine there were articles in the newspapers about his death and references to one of his many gifts to the world, the understanding that there are different personality styles, each with its own perspective on the world. Mom, an extravert to the core, was telling me, in her kindly way, that it is OK to be an introvert and that spending time in my room reading books or sorting and categorizing baseball cards rather than socializing was perfectly OK. (Although I think she might have been worrying a little about me too–for good reason!)

3. What matters most is how we treat each other. I am seven or eight, lying in bed. Mom is sitting on the edge of the bed reading a poem to me. It’s “Abou Ben Adhem,” by James Leigh Hunt. You know the poem’s story: A man is awakened one night and notices, in the corner of the room, an angel writing in a large golden book. He asks the angel what he is writing, and he replies, “The names of those who love the Lord.” The man then asks, “And is mine one?,” and the angel responds in the negative. Undaunted, the man replies, “Then write me as one who loves his fellow man.” The next night the angel reappears and shows the man the list of “the names God has blessed,” and there at the top was his. Through this poem–which I have just this past month committed to memory (my New Year’s resolution is to memorize a poem each month)–I learned that the path to God is through love for our fellow men and women. It is much less about doctrines and institutions and rituals, and much more about how we treat each other, whoever that ‘other’ might be.
Each of these memories occurred before the tumult of the ’60s descended upon America and the Brock home. The cultural upheavals of those years hit many families hard. Some families adjusted to the changes reasonably well; others, not so well, occasionally retreating to unhealthy belief patterns, negative stereotyping, and the demonization of supposed enemies. Our family took the latter course. And when Dad died at the close of that decade, leaving Mom with eight children, six still living at home, the retreat intensified, unsettling the simplicity and contentedness of those early years.

Yet those three memories remain, and I will always hold Mom close in my heart for the lessons she taught me. I can’t say I’ve always lived up to them; the Golden Rule has proved to be far easier to preach about than follow for me. But I have those memories, those three life lessons, to fall back on whenever life throws a nasty curve. They serve as the perduring legacy of a mom who accepted me for the nerdy introvert that I was and let me become, well, the nerdy introvert that I remain today.

Happy Mother’s Day.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-Robert Frost

A quick google search results in the following definition for the somewhat antiquated idiom of a certain age: “not yet old but no longer young.” I can certainly testify to the “no longer young” part. And I choose to remain in denial about the “not yet old.”
The famed developmental psychologist Erik Erikson taught us that every life transition has its own challenge, and the challenge of old age is to achieve a level of integrity, the sense that in spite of all the sins of the past one can look back and say, I did some good, I’m OK. If not achieved, Erikson added, the result is despair, which we more familiarly experience as deep depression.

No one has offered a more poignant cinematic example of the importance of integrity during the closing years of life than Steven Spielberg in the opening and closing scenes of his Oscar-winning World War II epic, Saving Private Ryan. In the first part of the scene, which opens the movie, Private Ryan is now “of a certain age” and has returned to Normandy to find the grave of Captain John Miller, who lost his life in the mission to save him. Spielberg plays out the scene for maximum effect: We see the elderly Ryan advancing toward the cemetery, his wife a step or two behind—it is his pilgrimage, after all, and she defers to him in this moment of truth. Behind them are their adult children and grandchildren, the younger of whom indicate no awareness of the import of what is taking place. The camera pans the thousands of stone markers, bare crosses and Stars of David, otherwise identical save for the names of the fallen soldiers. Ryan finds the captain’s grave and, weeping, drops to his knees. The scene then shifts to Omaha beach and the Normandy invasion, followed by the titular search, which takes up the bulk of the story. Mission completed, the movie returns to the aged Ryan kneeling at Captain Miller’s grave. He rises, turns to his wife, and implores her in words that have no doubt defined his life mission: Tell me I’m a good man.Tell me that I lived a good life, one worthy of this man dying for me. Assured that it is so, Ryan turns again toward the grave, straightens himself to attention, and salutes the man who saved him. And the movie closes.
I have never been able to describe that scene with dry eyes. Can you imagine reaching the closing years of your life and wondering if you have lived in a manner worthy of another man’s giving his life for you?

I am glad that any claim to integrity that I might deserve will not be measured against the value of someone dying for me. I need only repent for a life of self-obsession, self-absorption, careless insensitivities, and a multitude of poor decisions (and a few godawful ones), with the occasional good deed thrown in to keep things somewhat in balance. Frankly, that’s enough of a burden to carry, and my prayer is that I have enough years left to make up for the sins of the first seventy.

At a time in our history when truth appears to be under assault, it’s good to know that we can still look upon our own life experiences, apply wisdom and reason to the best of our ability, and accept the result of that inquiry with some measure of confidence. In that spirit, I offer my four truths of personal growth, and I hope that they align, at least in broad strokes, with some of your own experiences, wisdom, and reason.

The Four Truths
1. We all have “stuff,” broadly defined as the attitudes and behaviors that we inherited through our family of origin that get in the way of our full development as healthy persons (spiritually, physically, relationally, socially, etc.).

2. We all tend to deny that we have “stuff”—or at least we deny some of it, particularly the more disreputable manifestations of what we’ve inherited. Our “stuff” can be embarrassing—it might include racial, ethnic, and religious prejudices, for example, or negative patterns of interpersonal relations, or unhealthy values resulting from poor role modeling.

3. The first step on the path to wellness—the path to more fully being the persons we are called to be—is the acceptance of those first two truths and the subsequent willingness to confront our “stuff.”

4. Each successive step involves the ongoing commitment to notice our “stuff” when it arises and to make a more intentional response to it. Noticing one’s “stuff” is a habit that can be developed, like all habits, through practice. My personal experience with this is that it is a lifelong struggle; however, again like all habits, it gets easier over time.

I can distinctly remember an incident of my own family-inherited “stuff” of anti-Semitism becoming present to me when I was in my thirties. It was in the form of an instinctive negative judgment on my part, and I was confronted immediately with the incongruity of my response (it had nothing to do with the specific situation at hand, only about the religion and ethnicity of the person involved), and, sometime later, with the horrific wrongfulness of it. How many times before then had I not noticed those instinctive negative judgments?

I have learned through many life experiences that I am perfectly capable of creating my own “stuff.” I can be hurtful, inconsiderate, and self-absorbed, entirely independent of any negative learnings from childhood. I can create plenty of mischief all by myself without holding on to the “stuff” I inherited, and I most assuredly don’t need to pass that inheritance—or my own home-grown mischief—on to others. May the “stuff” of my family of origin die with me, and may the good that I inherited—and there was much of that—expand and be shared.